Are Weddings the Frontlines of the Culture Wars?

I'll never forget my college friend's wedding

I met my friend at the conservative Christian college we both attended. In some ways, we were similar, both invested in writing and academically bright. I’ll admit she was getting better publications even then and seemed to know exactly what she wanted.

I never knew exactly what I wanted, so during college and after, I was trying on selves, digging down into the sands of self to see what, if anything, was there.

She amazed me, partially because she didn’t seem to struggle like this.

She had a serious boyfriend, wrote opinion pieces, ran every morning, and studied hard. She was one of the most impressive people I met in undergrad.

I went to her wedding expecting a traditional service. I knew she would promise to obey her husband, but it was nothing I hadn’t seen before.

What I didn’t expect was for the entire service to sound like an apology for the strong woman whom I had come to know over the past year.

The pastor spoke about obedience, faithfulness, and God’s righteous purpose for marriage (reproduction). Her father praised her intelligence but mocked her for her strong opinions and unwillingness as a child to bend her head to lesser minds. Then everyone, and I mean everyone, praised her for conquering her spirited nature into the gentle woman she now was.

It was frankly insulting to hear. If my father chose my wedding to praise me for stating my opinions less, becoming more submissive and people pleasing, we would have a serious problem.

I can hear objections already, assuming that I am overreacting, reminding me that women want different things, that my career woman lifestyle isn’t for everyone. But that’s fine

I don’t really care if you want to be a stay-at-home mom or bake sourdough bread, but it physically pains me to watch women be teased, chastised, and dismissed for qualities that would have drawn universal praise and admiration if found in a man.

I saw this all the time growing up in a large nondenominational church. The same intelligence, strong-mindedness, and directness found in both my brother and me were treated very differently by church leaders. In him, it was leadership potential, while in me, it was an insurrection.

The same dynamic played out with my friend, who appeared brighter than her now husband. I’d seen her ambition, intelligence, and insightful understanding of the world. I’ve been to quite a few weddings since many lovely and traditional, but this one left its mark because it apologized for my friend, the bride’s aptitude for life outside the small boundaries they could understand or accept.

I felt like we were celebrating all the wrong aspects of the person whom I had come to know. I had to hold myself back from taking her aside and saying, There’s nothing wrong with you! It’s them! It’s always been them!

But I bit my tongue and prayed that the part of her so threatening to her pastor and father would someday find a space where it could be celebrated because she was truly a remarkable woman.