Am I being radicalized?
fleeing certainty, craving stability
I left behind a sense of certainty or rigidity in religion, after seeing it as a net negative for the people I knew who were involved. Where Jesus discussed hope over fear, love over hatred, and absolution for sinners, I kept finding myself in places more interested in teaching about the letter of the law than breaking community trust in disgusting, immoral ways.
That all was a long, uncomfortable journey that I suspect I’ll never truly be finished with. I’ve gained a lot of freedom and perspective from this. I don’t feel like I have to shrink myself to fit a little box that the community can understand and accept anymore, but I’ve lost things too.
The advantage of dogmatism is simplicity. You don’t have to consider certain decisions the same way because you have prewritten answers.
Now I’m asking what comes after certainty – even cheap certainty? How can I live in doubt without paralysis?
It’s tough. I sympathize with golden-age thinkers, tech optimists, religious extremists, and the rest who wish to “immanentize the eschaton.”
I want peace on earth, an optimized existence, moral righteousness, and perfect pleasure.
Instead, I have a wonky knee, a world full of war, a dog that WON’T SHUT UP, and the inability to fold my clothing in a timely manner.
I’m constantly afraid that if I go too far down the rabbit hole if I commit too far to my growing convictions, I’ll end up living with regret, having become a zealot for an unworthy cause.
Most of my newer, more authentic beliefs, have grown from my distaste for centralization, control, and the constant race to the bottom in every avenue from food to politics to religious rhetoric. I’m fairly convinced I need to slow down and dig in. I know my cellphone addiction is pouring my life out like a cup of water on the sidewalk, watering nothing, boiling away into the ether. It all scares me, and I don’t feel strong. Maybe it’s time for a stronger separation from the attention eaters who would sell my “one wild and precious life” out from under me.
I fear I am too dire, that I’ve read too much Wendell Berry, Ted Gioia, and my friend Talia Barnes, but I also feel myself getting dumber, getting farther from what I love (writing, loving people, painting, and running around outside) and deeper into the zeroes and ones that make up our new world.
I’m scared that I’ve let something terrible colonize me (see Alien for exact horror levels) and also scared that I’ve been radicalized against a purely imagined threat.
The fear with me and radicalization or certainty is that I will make a sacrifice (throwing my iPhone in a creek, investing in better food, existing outside of consumer culture) that will limit connection with friends and family, make me lonelier, bored, and in touch with my feelings (heaven forbid I know), all for nothing. But when I lay it out like that, a change starts to seem necessary if not inevitable. Maybe we all need to believe something deeply, to slam doors shut so that we can open others. Maybe my past certainties were simply the wrong ones.
I would love to hear your thoughts, in comments, texts, article links, emails, etc.
You go girl! Whoever, or whatever, God is must, by definition (although I would question this definition of the Divine as much as any other), be radical beyond human imagination.
Hi, Jessica. I feel as though I should read your post at least 10 times before I respond but I know if I don't write something now, the moment will pass.
A couple of things hit me strongly: "How can I live in doubt without paralysis?" As a person who deals with doubt a lot (I am a 6 on the enneagram, which explains a lot about me), I can say that I do sometimes, or even frequently, fall into paralysis. It has gotten better with age but it's still there.
You say, "I’m constantly afraid that if I go too far down the rabbit hole if I commit too far to my growing convictions, I’ll end up living with regret, having become a zealot for an unworthy cause." I get that, too. It's pretty easy to jump on a bandwagon without knowing much more than all your friends who think like you are on it. But you have a good answer: "I’m fairly convinced I need to slow down and dig in."
Anyway, thank you for talking about what you are going through and putting it out in the world. The quest never ends. I still feel as though I am evolving and that's OK.